its been forever.
life is good im working i've got a great boyfriend.
im finally of the shit, and by shit i mean pot and any other random shit i was doing before
i was arrested.
im excited for christmas and my mom is making spaghetti tonight.
how about that.

im in love with one man.
and that man forever.

make the pain go away faster.

i dont know if being alone is for the better, or if its really going to get to me.
either way i need a fucking hobbie.



goodbye baby duck lips.

TEN people you enjoy spending time with:
-joseph
-mom
-corina
-ethan
-veronica
-danielson
-samir
-mfpaisley
-my tattoo artists
-music


NINE things I'm wearing:
-grey tube top
-bedtime shorts
-me and my bf's matching ring
-pony tail
-body jewelry
-vitamin a&d
-i dont have that much stuff on.
-
-

EIGHT things on my Mind:
-i miss joseph
-why am i not asleep right now
-trying to go trade in the f150 for a car today
-i have to bring paisley to school at 12:30
-i have to bring lisa home
-i get to pick up baby boi at 3:30 from work
-i was realllly horny when i woke up this morning
-hahha my mom just handed me my birth control

SEVEN things I Touch everyday:
-myself
-joseph
-bottle of lotion
-my clothes
-my mom
-food
-the car keys

SIX things I Do everyday:
-joseph
-make him lunch for work
-sleep
-eat
-watch movies with mommy and joseph
-argue

FIVE things I want to Do before I die:
-turn 18
-finish my body art
-finish my goals
-write a book
-change everyone i know personally's life in some way.

FOUR things I will Never do:
-hurt someone intentionally
-give up
-forget
-cheat

THREE things I Do when I wake up:
-lube up my tattoo
-go to the bathroom
-make my bed.

TWO of my favorite foods:
-stir-fry with tofu
-sushi [the big one]

ONE person I love more than any other:
joseph, ofcourse.

i havent been around for a while and i cant say is a bad thing.
im doing my thing.
and staying as far away from the people who hurt as i can.
i know im crazy, btw.
i prove it to myself everyday everytime i scream out obscenities and make the people
i love most feel so vulnerable they cry.
its not that it wasnt given to me in the worst ways though, through my whole life.
i am every experience i ever lived, i am what all your words made me.
i am my sister's sister my parents daughter.
im living proof that everything happens for a reason.
im the result; the damage done.
i have big big dreams, and if my ambitions pay out in the long run i have amazing things ahead of me.
things i would never allow myself to obtain now, seeing as im still getting help.
i have over a year till i turn 18 and until the havok is reaked.
all over this country, and im excited as fuck.
im going to therapy every week, and a psychiatrist soon enough.
i've been diagnosed bi-polar and i can say its a relief, i know im not all right.
i can tell everytime i freak out have a "manic episode".
but dont worry babies those who are true i love, and i promise i can read you guys like my favorite story book, my favorite poem, hear you like my favorite song, and i will never hurt you.
those who wrong me, or who i am yet to completely trust. your going down.
with me as the martyr until you all diminish yourselves from my life.

i can honestly say i was a bad person, before i knew the true meaning of my madness and only used it for the negative, to hurt, because all i knew was being hurt, and being abandoned.
but if we're only here to learn the negative then why am i letting the big man win, i've been getting up and doing my own thing living out the rest of my life with and open mind and an open heart for those deserving.
to continue my life with warm words and a positive attitude for as long as i can possess it.
my manic moods dont come out until they are triggered.
im doing my best to control them, but respect has been a big steak on my plate lately.
and i can see it in your eyes if your down or if your shady, and shady doesnt go well in my book.
i miss knowing good people.
i hope to know them again soon.
someday, i have high hopes.
i know there are amazing people out there.
but my family comes first.
my mother who has overcome so much in her life and done so much for me and my siblings i am forever in debt to her and her love, i would have never become the person i am now without her compassion and understanding, i was never just another kid on the playground, and she truly saw that and nurtured it to the best of her ability.
my boyfriend who is more a soulmate;bestfriend then any other person i have ever met.
and my never ending ridicule of a sister, whom i have the highest hopes for, with a washed up head and a fading future,she is better then the people she keeps around her. [this is a stage i keep telling myself] and my youngest brother who i have all the expectations for in the world.

my older brother has done some great things, but he needs to get his head out of the gutter, and though i dont pray these days, im going to pray for him and his wife. and to the best with there lives, and hoping that he will grow up and stop wasting his money on his damned camaro's.

show me something amazing, aim>comeer samiiir


im getting my chest peice today, it reflects alot of what i said here.
as soon as i have pictures i'll put them up on my page.

cats home, dont worry.

well i've been home for 2 wks.

im moving to california now in 3 days.
on the 18th, im fuckin excited out of my mind.
me and my daddy and jeni are going to disneyland for 4:20
cause ya, in my family 4:20 is a holiday, and im glad im spending it with them.
on the 22nd im going down to modesto to be with my ladies, the squids, bianca whose i've been apart from now for too long.
i miss her entirely too much, and i'll be down there for 2 wks.

sleeping in my moms bed the other night, i overheard a conversation on the phone with our mechanic, telling him we're selling the camaro to buy me a van, so that should be going down in the next few weeks, super stoked on that.
its going to be the shagwagon. yes, seriously im getting a mural on the side.
im dating a boi named alex johnson, hes beautiful and he treats me like a princess, he's there for me when im at my shittiest, seriously greatest guy ever.
anyways we are going to go to the park and fly kites in 3 wks.
:]
i love all my friends here, i intend on moving back in a year and a half as soon as i turn 18 so i can come down here, buy a house and start apprenticing for my certification in body modication.
:] im getting my shit together, and im excited out of my mind.
and if anyone i love wants to see me, im here for 3 more days.
take advantage of the time, i know i will.
and i'll try my best to keep up with my lj while im livin it up in cali.
;]

i woke up to the sound of my babies voice.
well really birds chirping.
i smoked a cigarette and we talked up a storm.
he goes back to work and im left here with the comp.
and a want for drank.
i miss samir, i miss james.
i miss the old kru.
i use to feel closer to them then ever.
the fact im content with our relationships now.
they've chilled.
but i dont appreciate the lack of there faces in my days.

today has only started its going to be a good day.

sometimes, i just wish people weren't so shallow.

then i realize we all are.

and love is irrelevant.
and time is the best medicine.

so the best thing to do is just not talk to ppl.
bc every word out of your mouth will most likely get twisted, and repeated, and turned around on you.

and im sry, for everything i've done to anyone, if there was a way to releive the pain i've caused i'd have done it.

but resenting tends to turn pointless.

i cant take back what i've done.
and neither can you.

my xboyfriend worked my myspace up with a bunch of bullshit, and now all my shits gone. it was replaced with nasty shit, that is deff. not true.
w/e that hurt my feelings and it should never have happened.
but its over w/e he had his fun.
im going to cali in the begining of april.
i have no clue what that has in store for me, but i know im going to miss the fuck out of a few people.
and im deff. coming to visit.
i have no clue what this is, if this is a move, a visit, a vacation?
we'll see.
but no matter what texas is my home, and i intend on coming back.
i have big plans and my home is in texas.
but i have alot of learning to do.
and theres not enough room in this house to do it.
im in love with love, just let me live it up.

i think my outlook on things have been changing.
its been getting easier for me to get stressed out.
ppl simply not understand what im saying has ended in tears.
i think im on an emotional edge.
a place i remember clearly, wishing i could seperate fact from fiction.
but the anxiety is getting to me.
with everyday im falling in love with myself and with the friends i keep around me.
realizing more and more that i am a people person. that i am worth something.
but the lack of activities in my life have gotten me confused.
i need a job, i need to call dee.
i have too much time on my hand.
and im really over sleeping alone.
im thinking of going and seeing a psychiatrist, i've been against it for so long, that i dont need a pill to make me normal.
but i question everything constantly and overthink everything.
its about time to calm down. and realize im no better then anyone else, and maybe i do need a pill to make myself less of a worry wart.

c'mon babies reassure me.

im going to be fine.

johnny left.
i never really thought it would hurt this bad.
its suppose to be a "visit".
but who knows what could come from our seperation.
i know i need time, and he needs his family.
i know i need to change things. get my life together.
i know what i want, i know where i want to go with my life.
i havent found that one thing that makes me feel secure yet.
im not really looking.
im being patient.
waiting for it to fall into my lap.
there is a possibility i have a job at platinum.
that im actually going to try and work for.
the position is open and they say im good for the job.
so i'll go with that.
makes me think things might be going up for me.
im going to start loving myself.
i need to see berto more, hes my bestfriend and i really dont give him enough attention these days.
im losing alot. but im hoping it's all for the better.
mm, think posi. im going to be fine.
if im at the bottom things can only go up.

im frustrated.
i think im crazy sometimes.
i dont know why i hurt him.
or why he hurts me, or why i let it go on.
im better then this, hes better then this.
i have an endless need to be sane, healthy, clean.
needed.
i guess i feel bad about things, i guess i have never accepted what i should have.
no regrets, there is seriously no more room for resentment and insecurities.
i mean people tell me im beautiful all the time.
but then again sometimes it feels i cant even pay someone to hang out with me.
o well i'll be fine.
we will prevail.
i will rise above.
things will get better.
think posi and all that bs.

dearly

this is by far the most confusing thing i've done in awhile.
cant say im enjoying myself.
dairy queen at 5 im stoked.


and i want these little amazing things badly.

real love is seeing someone die.

so i guess, i've never been in love?

really important to say.


i think theres something wrong with me.
something i dont know.
and i want to work on it.
im afraid and it sucks.
i kind of want to be alone.